Problems With A Cardboard Box
by JGT-298
Summary: Solid Snake gets treated to some increasingly bad stuff happening to his box. Read and find out more...


_**Ok, I haven't played SSBB or MGS, but I just feel like I had to write this.**_

_**Problems With A Cardboard Box.**_

* * *

Solid Snake was chillin' in his box which was lying inconspicuously in the middle of the hall. Now in normal circumstances, the other brawlers wouldn't have to mind it. Well, today is normal, and the other smashers didn't even notice that there was a potentially hyper-lethal vector underneath that box. Except for Lucario, but still...

So inconspicuous was Snake's position, that a certain blond psychic sat on top of the box, lightly denting it. Snake took his eyes away from the...ahem, _gentleman's magazine_ he was reading and looked on where Lucas was sitting. "Lucas," the blond froze when he heard this; he knew who was talking, "get your bum on a bench and out of my box." The blond stood up and quickly faced Snake's direction. Snake, meanwhile pulled out his knife and stabbed the side of the box so as to have somewhere to look at.

Lucas jumped when he saw the knife; "S-sorry Mr. Snake! I-I didn't meant to-"

"-No apologies necessary, kid." Snake replied, "Just, don't do it again."

The boy nodded and sat on the bench next to Snake's box. He just finished a fight with Pit, so he was real tired. Snake, still not wanting his box to go on with a dent, punched it; the result: a box that looked like Lucas didn't even sit on it. The ex-FOXHOUND operative then went back to ogling all the pretty models in the magazine. Unknown to him, Kirby came by, fresh from a fight with Luigi. "Poyo!" he greeted Lucas.

"Hi, Kirby!"

"(_Ness wants to see you in the canteen, I dunno why...)"_

Lucas' eyes widened in surprise, "He does?" Kirby nods "yes". The thirteen year old gets up from the bench and darts off the canteen. A long silence followed; Snake still wasn't aware of Kirby's presence, but that all changed when he heard a mysterious noise...

'What's that chewing sound?' Snake asks in thought.

He lowers the magazine...

"Hmm...nice lighting...wait, lighting?!"

...and realizes that...

"KIRBY, YOU'RE EATING MY BOX!"

Kirby looked at the eight-inch hole he made in Snake's favored hiding spot. There he saw Snake, giving off a death glare at the omnivorous puffball. Kirby's expression turned into that akin to a child caught stealing cookies, complete with two fingers (if Kirby had any) touching one another. "Poyo poyo..." he says. Snake knows this is Kirby's way of apologizing, so he says back: "Look, you little marshmallow; I know you're hungry and all. Go to the canteen and get yourself something to munch on. It's Burrito Night."

Kirby lightened up, "_(BURRITO NIGHT?)_" he asks.

"Unless you'd rather eat Meta Knight!" Snake exclaims before erupting into laughter that lasted for five long minutes. When he's done, he looked back at Kirby, who now had a disapproving look about him. "What?" asked Snake.

"_(That was a lame pun.)" _Kirby said. _"(That was a lame pun and it shall never be spoken of ever again. It will go down in history as one of the lamest puns EVER. It's so lame a pun, that the annals of history will get __**anal problems**__ because of that __**gasshole**__ of a pun you just __**excreted**__. That wasn't punny, Mr. Snake. It just __**constricts**__ the mind before it __**injects venom**__ into your brain, before __**slithering **__away...)"_

As Kirby went for the canteen, Snake couldn't help but think to himself, "I can't believe I just got verbally destroyed by a walking pink marshmallow..."

He went back to reading his beloved magazine, now with a new reading light. He went on like that for a couple of dozen minutes, before a certain nasty fellow with a penchant for farting came about. Snake heard the footprints, and soon enough, saw Wario eating a burrito while listening to his iPod on full blast through the hole in the center of his box. The song? "Oops I Did It Again".

"Wait a minute," Snake mutters "Wario + Burritos + Britney Spears songs? That equals to..._**oh no!**_"

Before the mercenary can move any, Wario sat down on the box, completely crushing it and immobilizing Snake. "It's official: I die right here..." He opened his Codec and told his best buddy Otacon, "Tell Col. Campbell and Mei Ling that it was an honor serving with them..."

That was when Wario started singing, in his...very un-Britney voice. _"Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..."_

"Oh, crap! Otacon, I gotta go, Wario's singing!"

"Dave, wha-" Snake turns off his Codec and prepares to face certain death like a soldier.

Wario let out a silent one before the first stanza comes in, _"I think I did again." _Snake started coughing violently, saying "You don't say!"_ "I made you believe, we're more than just friends..." _

"We aren't friends!"

_"Oh baby, it might seem like a crush. But it doesn't mean, that I'm serious..."_

"You sound like a chainsaw with throat cancer!"

Wario released a long fart, keeping in with the lyrics of the following: _"'Cause to lose all my senses, that's just so typically me. Oh, baby baby..."_

"Good lord, here comes the big one..." Snake doesn't realize how right he is...

The next fart was loud, hard, and really, really putrid. It smelled like a mix of mustard gas, decomposed corpse, and rotten banana peels Tingle oh-so carelessly throws. Snake grabs his neck and starts to cough at an even more violent level. His eyes were starting to produce tears, while his nose was picking up the stench of hell without Snake even inhaling it on purpose! The man felt like the smell was reaching his brain, trying to burn the spongy material within.

_"OOPS, I DID IT AGAIN! I PLAYED WITH YOUR HEART! GOT LOST IN THE GAME! OH BABY BABY!"_

Just then, Snake had an idea. He reached toward his right thigh holster, and took out his signature pistol. "If this doesn't work, then I'm a dead man." he says. Snake aims for the patch of box not covered by the bulk that is Wario, and fires off five rounds. Wario jumped up, allowing Snake to stand up, collect his now-ruined box, and give Wario an extremely disapproving death glare as he left. Wario shot that glare back at him, mumbling, "Eavesdropping on other people...pfft."

The next few months saw Snake raiding a nearby farm and taking forever to craft a replacement for his now-ruined c-box. He showed it to his friends Marth, Lucario, and Link, who all laughed. Now determined to prove them wrong, he sets his hay-box onto a field and reads.

It would've went well if not for that pesky combine harvester headed his way...


End file.
